A
few years ago when I moved in with my current spouse, I revealed in
conversation with a friend, that my new sweetie and I had separate
bedrooms. My friend was damned near appalled by this news, and
basically said we were setting ourselves up to fail before giving the
relationship a chance. I explained to her that I believed in the
concept that individual alone-time in a relationship is a fundamental
pillar of happiness therein, and even helps to sustain a level of
romantic attraction that otherwise diminishes over time. This concept
keeping a relationship strong by "together but separate"
was garnered from experience in past relationships, and presented
beautifully to me in the writings of Rilke who said: "I
hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that
each should stand guard over the solitude of the other."
And I further paraphrase Rilke in saying that true sharing is
actualized by periodic interruptions of solitude. I believed that
then, and presently believe it even more by virtue of a three-year
espoused relationship that has only grown stronger.
My
partner and I still have our own rooms and separate daily
occupations. We do not avoid one another in daily living - I don't
mean to give that impression. We come together to interrupt our
respective solitudes every day; from the simplicity of sharing coffee
in the morning to the greater glories of human interaction ...
whenever. And when we reconnect, the union still has all the blissful
desire and attraction as in our earliest hours of
acquaintance.
Perhaps
in the years that lie ahead, my opinion on the matter of "together
but separate" may change. But I see no evidence thus far.
